Friday, 7 June 2013

International Gay Dating for Beginners

DISCLAIMER: If you are in any way offended by homosexuality, you should look away now, leave my blog and never ever come back you sick fuck.

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Getting past the idea that I may one day actually be able to understand the horrifyingly pedantic, precise and logical fog that is that the German language, and realising shortly thereafter that I must be feeling a bit unwell to have even had that thought, I had a sudden brainwave.
What better way to learn such a rich language than by learning it from the people I know best: Gays.

Gays are wonderful, but my god they like to talk. And not just about shoes, Kylie Minogue, or oooh-look-what-that-bitch-over-there-is-wearing, but about almost anything. They're an open vessel just waiting to be filled. (criiiiinge at even just writing that, oh my god.)
'Gay vocabulary' is littered with slang, and secret codes. From the times when being homosexual was illegal and therefore punishable, the gays have always bended language (and technology) to their favour.

What better way to pass time on a cold, rainy Sunday evening by logging into a GPS-powered smartphone application to show how many gay guys are nearby. Grindr, the infamous smartphone app is marketed as a 'way of meeting new gay, bi, and curious guys for dating and making friends' however every self-respecting gay man knows that 'being on Grindr' is a synonym for looking for casual sex. Casual sex with potentially up to 100 people in your local, immediate area. If you can get over how ridiculously scary an idea that is, then you're doing well. The next hurdle is the language. It's a minefield.

Some of these gay guys like BB, some of them want mascs not fems and definitely while using chems. Some of them are bears or bulls, otters, twinks, cubs and sometimes subs. Men are either totally manly or not whatsoever. And they're definitely all either animals, or sickly sweet American baked goods.
The guys can either host, or not. They travel, much like anyone else, but when asked 'What is your reason for your visit. Business or pleasure?' as heard at international borders, their reason would most definitely be self-gratification on an enormous scale. Pleasure doesn't even begin to cover it.
There are, of course, sexual words to overcome too: frottage, rimming, deepthroating, bukkake, circlejerk, 69, DP and BDSM for example. But I'm sure most of you angelic, sexually vanilla, normal people already know about them.

Even as a gay man myself, sometimes I find myself entirely overwhelmed by this slang. If I was to have a conversation with a gay friend back home, this labyrinth of language would probably crop up more than I can imagine right now, so I'm specifically setting out to learn the German version of it in the hope that my German will sound as natural and non-textbook as possible. The single worst thing I know about first moving to a country is that nobody actually says the stuff in the textbooks that they give you at school. That sort of conversation is a myth: 'How many brothers and sisters do you have?' Nobody asks that the first few times you meet someone haha

I may as well have not studied French for 9 years before moving there for 6 months. I learned an extreme amount in the first few weeks and that was enough to get me through day to day shit, nevermind being introduced to more and more interesting language by the people I hung around with.

So back to the topic. Being gay is a great part of my personality. The language of homosexuality is therefore something important to me, and to my friends, and to the guys that I will potentially be dating.
Maybe I'll fall in love at the same time as carrying out this experiment in international dating. I hope so. 
I'd love to have a German boyfriend again. Everyone should have an international love-object at one point in their lives, and I'm a big fan of German manliness. Someone who doesnt spend all day looking at himself, but spends all his time doing you sounds fabulous.

On that note, I'm also quite happy to admit that I've been around the block a few times. Never since WWII has someone conquered so many different people from around Europe.....and I'm only 22.

So, to sum up. I'm once again dating properly, and I will be updating this with my stories from the world of German dating gaffes and mishaps that seem to occur daily for me anyways.

 Until then, you beautiful beautiful people.


  1. I regretted beginning to read this while I was eating my dinner when I got to the words "frottage" and "rimming", but I wish you the best of luck in your gay European endeavours! x

  2. Gareth please write a book. A book with Hathaway gifs.

  3. As I have been seeking suggestions for best Gay Apps to find a good-natured gay man and this post on “International Gay Dating for Beginners” seems quite worthwhile. Hey, if you have any list of some good online gay dating sites then please let me know.

  4. Soy español y voy a viajar a Francia por un año, motivos laborales. Me gustaría conocer a otros chicos gays como yo, pero no conozco a nadie. Si alguien está pensando en viajar o vive allí me encantaría que nos pusiéramos en contacto!.